Don’t sleep with your friends just to get attention
HELP ME, HARLAN!
CONTACT WRITER:
Dear Harlan: I’m wondering if I’m a tramp or whatever you call it. I slept with two friends. Neither of them was my boyfriend. — Unsure Dear Unsure: The fact that you’re not sure what you are and don’t know what other guys will think of you makes me think you care too much about what people think of you, which is probably why you slept with two friends in the first place — to get them to like you, because you don’t like yourself too much. People use sex for a lot of reasons — getting attention is one of the biggest. When you give sex, you know you’ll get attention. But what you also can get is pregnant, a reputation, sexual souvenirs, hurt or scarred for years to come. Until you know what you are and until you are comfortable being who you are, stop sleeping with friends who might think you’re something you’re not. One thing no one will call you is a virgin. Dear Harlan: I met a girl at college orientation, and we have been close friends ever since. I had a feeling that she was interested in me, so I asked her and confirmed it. I explained that we were good friends and that I wasn’t looking for anything more. Well, we then tried to date, and it wasn’t working for me. We were not sexually active, and didn’t even hug or hold hands. We were just friends. I had to tell her several times that I wasn’t interested. After the fourth time, we agreed to spend less time with each other — she didn’t want to get in the way of my dating, and I didn’t want to feel like I was leading her on to any degree. It didn’t work. We were still hanging out way too much. I told her that the only time I wanted to see her or talk to her was in class or for assignments. I was sick of the drama. It wasn’t about spending less time with her as a friend; I was literally breaking up with her. She was not happy, and after a few days told me that she does not agree with this situation. How do I get this through to her so that she is not hurt in the future and so that I am not constantly telling potential girlfriends, “No, I am not dating her! I just spend umpteen hours with her a day”? — Not Her Boyfriend Dear Not Her Boyfriend: When a friend wants you and you don’t want that friend, the friend might have hurt feelings — but this is determined by the friend. See, if the friend gives you permission to NOT share her feelings, she’ll thank you for being honest and will move on to her next opportunity. But most friends can’t do that. They get stuck and hurt. They can’t give people permission to NOT like them. In this situation, hurt is unavoidable. The goal is to minimize the hurt. And that’s exactly what you’ve done. You’ve been honest. Now just make sure she knows that she’s attractive and desirable. Then give her space to find someone who can desire all that makes her attractive.
